just ranting again

there are just some things i have to face as bravely and as maturely as i can.

for one, i can't act like the spoiled little girl i am because money actually has more meaning than the usual paper you see. because of the lack of it, i am now pushed to accept that i cannot cosplay on the 20th of december because we have no funds for it. as my mom puts it, cosplaying is a 'want' and not a 'need'. i do understand ma, and i'm trying my best not to think of it these days.

next i would have to rely on myself to get things straight. i cannot depend on anyone anymore to pull me out from this sadness i've suddenly felt. i KNOW i have to get over it. there's so much to do still and i can't simply start working because my emotions are pulling me back.

moving on, i've finally experienced the heave burden of having something that everyone likes but then i don't want it. the teasing and all that takes a toll on me and all that. i hate it. picking a dress last saturday took me five hours because not one of the dresses i tried fitted on my chest. YES, it's annoying like hell. i HATE it. when i was looking for a bra that'll match the dress, they didn't have my size!!! it's SO damn annoying. i don't know why people love having bigger fronts O_O it's such a burden when you have them

-shing

boredom is a room with no door

so here i am, bored as hell.

well, not really. honestly speaking, i haven't done anything for chemistry and that i still haven't finished reading beowulf... i DO want to care, but that'll be pushing myself to do it.

so now, i guess i'm back playing gaia. well, trying to figure out zOMG by myself is more likely. i'm useless at it but hey. i'm going to learn ><

well, that's that for an update!

-shing

seats

(In dedication to every seat I occupied ever since 1st day, 3rd year)

During the 1st quarter, I had been placed in the middle second row; an amazing thing since almost every first quarter I suffered the pains of being seated almost near to the back. Sitting at the front was something new, definitely, and what made it more special was because it was the first quarter and on the very first day too. On my right was someone I never really knew and on the left, more so. But then I grew to know them both, in addition to knowing more about those at my back and those at the front. Ate kaye; responsible, no doubt. Dasom; the girl with the unmistakable cat-like grin and curly hair. Mia; a new side to the person who I considered as my classmate a year ago. Nuki-nuki; the girl with the amazing lego watch. Fats; I never knew she had so much food with her. Lyra; bubbly, there’s no other word to describe her. 1st quarter with them was spent cramming and reciting notes all together, while stuffing foodstuffs inside our mouths before the teacher could even see. I loved the people around me and I loved the seat too. Though it creaked and moved much (and in the latter part of the quarter, the armrest broke down), I love how It was located right there. From where I sat, I could just stare out the small window slit on the door and up to the sky. That must’ve been what I liked best, just staring.

The second quarter came with a new arrangement. 3rd row, right most side. I was stuck to the wall without anything to stare at but the whiteness off the wall beside me. To make up for the lost blueness, I would stare out at the back window, just above the aircon. The curtains never really did reach the edges, so bits of blue and grey would pass by most of the time. At first, I felt a definite hostility around me. Corro wasn’t much of a talker, Bea wasn’t either and Holly, not that much. But that was only for the first few days. Maybe it started with food again, or maybe because one of us was itching to say something, but whatever happened, the ‘cube’ that we belonged to became somewhat lively. Livelier than I could expect it to be. Holly burps a lot (which never fails to make me laugh), Bea had a sense of humor I never knew she had, Corro (thought still silent and all) always had witty remarks… and chocolate too! I guess I owe these three people gifts for Christmas: they just give and give food and chocolates ><

I’m writing this because I want to remember, when I get my new seat tomorrow, the times that people had proved me wrong. I’ve always felt like an outcast in all of this. It felt like if I didn’t know the person at all, I wouldn’t get along with her and vice versa. There was this one point I thought every seatmate I had must’ve hated me at one point, or another. Yeah, that was grade 5. I don’t want to say it outright, but I want to thank Holly most of all. I mean, she was my classmate during grade 5. She might’ve been one of the many people who shunned me. She could’ve still hated me until now, but I don’t think she does. I don’t really know if she remembers at all, but whatever. It’s best if she doesn’t, since I can’t remember much of those days anyway.

There are many more people in our classroom who I haven’t even had a decent conversation with. I’ll miss my old seat, definitely, but with what I feel right now, I guess changing seats wouldn’t be THAT bad at all. A new seat? Bring it on!

regardless

So today, I found myself staring at my report card again. Grades are fine, though some of them went down, and my average went up by point 83 :D I’m quite glad about it, and I guess I should be. I was nervous the whole week, and now it’s over. The cards are given already, death day is over and I’ve survived it once again.

So now, I’m stuck with thinking and actually doing something productive. I’m alone inside the house now, and I don’t feel like playing the piano just now. I don’t even want to pick up the book I’ve been reading last night. I don’t want to start studying again as well. I guess I’m turning into this one lazy slob!

But I keep on wondering what’s changed.

I can feel it. Change, I mean. I feel like I’ve been liberated from what I thought to be my chains. I couldn’t care less about those who hurt me, those who I’m annoyed with, those who thought I was just trash on earth. For the first time, I woke up today feeling free. I felt like nothing could stop me now. I felt like I FOUND a way, the right direction, in the dark. This isn’t about the cards. It’s about my life now.

For once, I thought that I could finally do something. That I HAD something in me. That I WAS special after all. Not just because people said I WAS special, but because I believed I REALLY was. Upon waking up today, staring at the dull blue sky laced with equally dull gray clouds, I felt happy. Of course, I feel happy. I always feel happy. Maybe I should say that I felt peaceful. Yup, that’s the word. I felt peace. I felt like nothing could go wrong anymore just because I could do something about what was wrong.

I believe in myself now. no, wait. I THINK I found myself.

I finally found myself.

-shing

did the delete, updating life once more

it's the end of the second quarter exams and yes, i finally feel happy once again.

during the chem exam, i thought about everything and failing and accepted it. the exams were hard, and i really wasn't up to it. i don't care anymore if i disappoint a lot for not being on top but i don't care. i thought that 'hey, they're not taking the tests. i'm the one who's taking the damned tests here' and so with that, i will just hope for the best...

just like i always do :D

tomorrow's the family day and for the record, i'm not going... hahaha... AGAIN! i don't usually go because in the end, my mom gets a headache from the heat and we just wasted money to get to school. i dunno why family days are so important to the school, but i know for one that i love my family and we're complete and we love each other. we don't need a family day to get together since we're always together :D

what else? i found a nice trick to do in national today: instead of writing down the title and authors of the books i want to buy, i just take a picture of the cover with my cellphone :D cool, huh? nice thinking, right? :D

-shing

the red card mission: a success

it's not everyday you make your parents happy. VERY happy.

i got my report card today for the first quarter and i guess they're all happy :D if they're happy, then i'm happy too. i find it nice that things turned out this way.

yesterday's outburst seems nothing now compared to the joy i feel today. and though it's damn hot outside, i'll live.

-shing

hell

so this is hell...

i can't keep it anymore.

i feel hurt, betrayed, almost useless... it's as if it'll only be a few minutes until i break down crying.

i've had the most suckiest day of pretending today. i mean, i wanted to hold my anger, and i usually do, but i just can't anymore. my partner for immersion does not get me at all, and insists on whatever she wants. i want to do things too. i want to cook too. why can't we just get along? why can't we simply prepare an overly manila-edged lunch without yelling?

i haven't felt this mad since grade 7. i can't believe i'm losing my head over food... over lunch... it's... shit... really... i can't explain myself right now cause i'm so freaking mad already....

why can't you be with me when i'm like this?

-shing

stuck in school

yeah. i'm OL today cause i'm in school. kate's not here and chie's not here either so i might as well cram the rest of my english since there's no MS word nor YM here...

sucks...

english script... hopefully :D

...

host: good afternoon! you're watching...
host and co host: paulinews, where student-related matters matter.
host :i'm ( )
co-host: and i'm ( )
host: and today, we're running a news special about a man named Richard Cory.
(news follows)
host: it's awful... he was rich too...
co host: speaking of which,
(business or feature follows)
co host: but mocing on, here's fats for the latest news on entertainment!
fats: thanks (name of co host)
(entertainment follows)
fats: back to you ----!
co host: thanks fats. woah. now it's 2 cases!

there's nothing else to do but move

yeah, it's another sunday and i'm defenitely tired.

the rain kept me up last night and now my head hurts, but i still have to get a move on my projects. honestly, they're mostly done already. the partner projects (hey partner!) are done by tomorrow and i just finished my english essay (5 pages for noreen to check tomorrow :D). pictures are down and i think the rest is history!

there's nothing much to say right now, since nothing's coming to mind, so yeah.

-shing

once upon a sunday...

okay, so here i am now, typing cause of boredom once again. i mean, i don't want to go home yet because there are people fixing the roof (cause it's old) and the noise they make is so damn annoying. i don't actually need to study right now because i think i've gotten a few things down right, for once. the projects can wait and i think i'm pretty much set for tomorrow. i'm not over confident though ><

but really, besides writing for school and for this blog, i haven't written anything of value. sure, the idea's right there in my head but i can't write it down. it's either i can't or i don't have the time to. everything's been really hectic and you can't avoid having a conversation without the word 'prject' or 'homework' to anyone right now.

but i simply enjoy school. how... ironic... it's really contrasting ><

i'm still stuck in looking for the book entitled 'the great gatsby' by Fitzgerald. it really is hard to find and i've been to 5 bookstores already. i won't count fully booked because they just priced the book way too much. as for the other book, i'll have to wait until my cousing says something...

which would take a pretty long time.

other projects to do :

> CL compilation
>THE poster
>MUSIC (just have to wait until tomorrow to finish it)
>WORLD HIS. (for the two paged explanation)
>FIL/CHEM scrapbook

lol, i actually have a lot of things to do ><

-shing

rumble!

(was written yesterday)

So okay, I haven’t been updating anything since… ever! Hahahaha. There’s actually a reason to it.

Number one: I’m always late in coming home from school. I partly blame my bus for it, but that’s high school life for you. Well, a high school life that includes riding a bus everyday. Don’t get me wrong though, I have fun going round and round the school with kate and sometimes quincy. We escort chie down the slope then when she’s safely out the school gates, we go back up and own a gazebo for ourselves. Yup. There’s no point in denying that we go crazy in it, kids or no kids.

Number two: the projects. They might be fun, but they DO take a toll. Currently, I’m almost done editing everyone’s work for the CL project and all I need is Judy’s so that we could all print it already. The THE (technology and home economics) poster has to wait cause I AM goddamn tired right now. World his. isn’t really a piece of cake and the joint chem/fil project is… well, let’s just say that I’m still trying to rack my brains to come up with something good.

Number three: I’m always tired. No seriously, I am. For a few days now, I always came home with my eyes red. It’s an indicator that I’ve stressed them out again I’ve put too much pressure in using them. True, I haven’t gotten any decent sleep and I most probably have to cram a few more things tomorrow, but the hell. My mom now insists of me going to see a doctor. That might happen next Saturday (since I’m busy and so is everyone else) so yeah. Let’s see if things turn out well. My parents are scared that I’ve finally started developing the thing called ‘glaucoma’. I seriously do NOT need it, because it leads to blindness.

Number four: I just felt lazy. ‘nuff said.

So today, I woke up pretty late. I guess my body just hibernated longer to store enough energy for the following week. It’s not really a crime to oversleep during weekends, and my parents NOW understand why I do. Before, they’ve always been mad at me for oversleeping on Saturdays but right now, I think they now know I NEED the extra hours. So woke up at around 8, listened to KAT-TUN and NEWS songs kate made me listen to until 9 and my day started there. Breakfast was instant noodles (no surprise here) and I kinda ended up practicing for my piano session.

I’m happy (and proud) to say that I read the whole of ‘Voice of the Heart’ by Henri Van Gael and played it just as well. Uhm, not really like a pro but get? I got to read and play it in just one morning! Now that’s something you don’t hear me doing ever so often.

As of now, I think I can say that the piano is officially a part of my life. Well, it did before but not that much since I felt like a total failure. It’s the pride that’s surging through me right now :D

So lunch, then an hour of piano then a quick change of clothes then out. I had to meet chie at 3 30 and lo and behold! I got there first! hahaha! It’s a first that I showed up before she did. Well, she slept anyway and must’ve forgotten about the time. So yeah, I waited for her for around 15 – 30 minutes. I had ate remie with me (my oh-so-lovable chaperone/assistant/PA)n so we kinda just talked about the people skating at the skating rink below us.

I don’t know how to skate, btw, so yeah. I haven’t tried and I think I might never will. I even backed down on roller skates because I didn’t like falling. Really, I don’t like landing on my butt or finding myself on the floor ‘accidentally’ because I couldn’t balance. I admit, I don’t KNOW how to balance. I mean, even just walking on the straight cement divider at school is a hard task for me, what else can be roller and ice skating be?

Chie showed up then we started going to random stores, but first to toy kingdom. I forgot the term, but it start with the letter g. anyway, it’s something like you have to get tokens so that you could get this egg shaped thing that has a figurine inside, mostly for cellphones. It’s cool and I got myself something with a panda on it. I also saw a hippo plushie. OH MAY GAWD was it cute >< it was small, purple, huggable and it had hearts on it too! Cuteness! It was also 20% off too…

I just didn’t have the money to buy it.

So okay, it took us a few more minutes to get to shang. Prior to that, we stayed at United Colors of Bennington (is it correct?) because tita was buying gifts. I kinda went crazy for the kid section outfits. They were so CUTE!!! The designs were so CUUUTTEEEE!!! Gaaaaaaaaaah~

Then it rained too.

We got there and met up with everyone else. We ended up having dinner (included with the interview) at Max’s. It turned out to be fun :D ate liya’s a nice person and a lot friendly too.

And here I was, expecting we’d be interviewing someone who was dead serious. So okay, she proved me wrong! But I thought all chemists (or scientists) were serious and straight to the point.

People can be… so… err, unexpected.

Ate liya’s sister is cute too :D but then I thought she was the bunso until she told me about the real bunso being home by now (about my age). So okay, that was unexpected as well. She must be someone older than me, thought it doesn’t look like it.

Oh, and she’s the only person I now know who does hand shakes as a greeting. Old-styled girl but pretty sweet :D

So now, I’m definitely tired and almost close to dropping dead on my bed because of the fatigue… my feet were killed by the damn doll shoes and I feel sticky too.

Shang is not the type of place I would like to hang out in. it’s too… well, it’s too sophisticated and the people there are… let’s just say that in mega, the people there are plebians and commoners while the people in shang are of noble blood. No kidding, I found myself out of place there. The people there wore extravagant clothes, extravagant jewelry, had the latest gadgets and followed the latest trends. It’s creepy to the fact that even the small-by-the-side-shop sales ladies looked at me like as if I wasn’t supposed to be there.

Well, I’m sorry if I HAD to be there.

It’s a different crowd out there, I tell you. All I liked there was the revolving doors. That’s just it.

On the way home, I bought the planter’s brand of cheese balls. It’s been a long time since I saw a can of it, and I just HAD to buy one before it disappeared to God knows where again. I think the last time I ate something like that was… the year 2000 :D

So now, to cap off everything, here are words of wisdom from our resident chemist, ate liya :

“try to do what you really want to do. If your work is something you really enjoy, you’ll never work for the rest of your life. If you enjoy your work, you’ll most probably excel at it as well *insert grin here*”

night!

-shing

i think i just died

we don't have classes today, which makes me a bit happy, since i got to finish akazukin cha cha (all 4 cds). i have discovered the most cutest little kid in the series: poppy-kun! he's so cute!

so now, i have given up my search for an interviewable chemist and have settled with going with ichie to interview hers as well. i thank her from the bottom of my heart for it, since i really am desperate. i can't believe how many numbers i've been through and how many people i've talked to and yet i ended up with nothing. it sucks. it's frustrating that i couldn't come up with even one name and person but that's life really... thanks chie for saving me!

i got in the advance class in my GIFT >< i feel happy that all three of us got into advance. i mean, in my opinion, it looks weird that you've been in the same GIFT class for the past three years yet you still end up somewhere other than advanced.... especially if you worked your butt off for it.

last night, i asked myself why i felt so sleepy while doing my homework. checking my clock, i didn't realize that i was already 11. i was like 'woah! shing! you've been doing hw for the past 4 hours? woah!!!' i ended up sleeping with books strewn all over my bed.

what else to say? i'm hungry right now. my dad's come to take me home. i'm done playing song for anna. life's still looking up even with the small blunders i encounter. that's all there is to say.

-shing

what am i doing now?

i'm bored shitless NOW. i mean, sure, i've got piano at 12 but what happens after that?

1. i watch either xxxholic or continue akazukin chacha
2. i study
3. i revise the guide questions for the project
4. i do another filipino journal entry to pass the time
5. i do my dignity card

i just can't decide, cause these are actually all minor things for me... the hell, i wish they just gave us hw!!! gah!

-shing

reminiscing yesterday

holy fucking shit was the schedule yesterday. there's no other words to express how shitty and how much of a pain it caused me. plus i now owe mara at least 50 bucks.

to start, we had mass at the quadrangle at the preschool. sure, the sun wasn't shining (until the end part of the whole thing) but it was damn humid and so damn packed. i thought it was going to rain but the sun shone, so we all sweated ourselves like shit while the whole mass was going on. sacrifice... sacrifice...

then on to the tent! i didn't get the whole point of the celebration thing but i still cheered on. it doesn't matter if you pretend or mean to cheer, just shout and say 'woot' and everyone's happy to see that.

subjects... hmm... library orientation went a bit well... geometry, a bit trouble coping up with the theorems discussed... chem was altogether a different pain.

we were supposed to haqve double period chem today, but they split both periods so we had lunch in the middle. the sad fact of it was we had to do an experiment, so for the whole lunch, some of us (me, mikee, the whole and loyal-bound group 7, noreen, arriane and ha-yoon) we stayed there sweating still. the experiment turned out to be fun (once you do it properly and you get the whole thing) and me and mikee laughed at ourselves because the percentage error of our first variable was close to 50%. meaning, we had everything wrong. ms. said it was fine, because it's just an experiment anyway: it's what you end up with and you have to stick to it. helped out a few more people and closely watched the other's experiments. oh, and i think we earned plus 5 points in chem for staying.

lunch ended and the rest of the class went back to experimenting while we, those who stayed, ate and laughed the half hour away outside the lab. pretty cool actually, since we all got to bond... and share food ><

CL.... i'm pretty sure i haven't memorized the whole 13 letters of st.paul thing... i'll get it soon, but not now.

freshman hour. i didn't really participate and we all ended up having our small reunion (with our past advisers and teachers) at the flagpole. it was more fun that way! it's quite obvious now how i'm not at all participative with school events. i rarely try my best in it, and i really couldn't care less.

dismissal. so okay, let's get something straight: if i hated you once, don't expect to see my good side ever again. i had nothing else to do but run like crazy towards the preschool gazebo ><>

the whole bus ride going home, i was so high :D i kept on laughing until my sided hurts and i kept on making dumb comments and pouting... in short, being the bitch i am. i dunno. mood swings i guess. how was i supposed to know that guyabano meant guava and not onion? and where the HELL did the avocado came from anyway?

the fun ended when i got home and sat down near my old dog. she's, i guess, almost to her end. being the kid i am, i cried for her until my mom came. nope, i don't HAVE a problem. i just felt like crying cause tootsie (my dog) looked so old, was in pain, felt it a lot and was alone. i wouldn't want that to happen to me but my dog, even though she can't talk, felt it all. i bet she cries often too.

chie and i spent the rest of the night talking on the phone, getting high together. it's not like there's anything else to do anyway :D

in the end, i kinda slept with the lights on. i think i was just closing my eyes when i suddenly woke up 1 in the morning. already? yeah. closed the lights and fell asleep soon after that.

-shing

today, my eye bags looked REALLY visible

no kidding, my eye bags LOOKED so horribly visible, even bea commented on it when i got to school. yeah, i DID stay up a little late just so i could finish off my filipino journal (which wasn't passed today, mind you.. pisses me off) and to try and make a mind map for world his... i'm so tired actually, my mind's reeling and my head's hurting like hell.

now isn't that an everyday occurence already?

i wouldn't really be surprised if i wake up sick one day. it's always like this: i work myself up then my immunity takes a back seat when i'm rolling like mad. it's annoying, but that's how my school life works.

right now, i only have to read the world his. book, geom if i tried and maybe rewrite my CL hw... it's a shorter list, compared to those i've done a few days ago and i'm pretty thankful that that's just that.

i can't say i'm sick of studying because it's the only way i'll live. it's the only way i'll get on with my life.

immersion. i love helping the poor in any workable way, but then i don't want to go anymore on this immersion. it's on aug 25 - 29 and i feel like i'll cry. my dad's leaving at the 25th of august so that just means we'll be leaving on the same day and he wouldn't be home anymore when i return. it hurts. i told him i didn't want to go anymore, but he insisted that i should. i told him if we could petition something that'll make me go with the other rooms, he said just to let things rest already. my classmates are my classmates and he insists on having fun with them.

all i have to do now is suck it all up and cry later on.

i got a top score on the world his quiz today! i got 9 on the geom aaaaaaand... i'm pretty confident with my trigo exam. yes, confidence. in bea's words: "kaya mo yan cause you're shing!"

eh? it's like i can do anything! *laughs*

i've finally started on the sotry i've worked on for so long... inside my head. i even wrote it in pencil so i could erase it as often as i like to change stuff. i'm just happy that there'd be people who'd be rooting for it till the very end.

i didn't need to do a leveling test today for GIFT cause we were already leveled. *phew* love you ms. bianca and sir. ryan!!!

i'm hungry as hell now~ good luck to me :D

-shing

daily events

(typed yesterday night)

I know everyone who’s been tired, stressed and sick for the last 10 hours all go crawling to bed when night comes. I’m one of those people, but I can hardly come crawling to bed yet jus because I still have a lot of things to do.

Yeah, this is another insert task I’ve been sneaking in alongside my computer usage. Writing down daily events in my ugly notebook helps but typing is so much faster.

So now! Yesterday (Monday) we ate at Bite Club and me and my dad split up on a 9.5 inch burger. Yeah, THAT big. I’m not kidding! It was as big as a damn plate! I beat my dad into eating a half though :P comments for Bite club : a small place (narrow), not really with fast service but with really REALLY great food. It beats mcdonald’s French fries big time. I know I’ve also said this about brothers burger but then, they compete head to head now. The burger was really yummy too, despite its’ size, and I can actually say it’s the best damn burger I’ve ever eaten in my whole entire life.

Today, I flunked my THE test… would possibly flunk my IQ and personality test in guidance hour… same goes for my chem quiz… yeah. The only thing I’m happy about today is that we’ve finally passed the damn poster to our batch rep (yes, without her getting mad at us :P) and we’ve finally scored 207 in the world his. stomper game. Yes, I like the stomper game and I love my groupmates.

Did I mention I’ve got friends inside the classroom already? Yeah, I do now. I feel happy and on this third week, I feel like I want to do school work with those I’m starting to trust. (yes, mikee, I’ll help you with the IP. I’ll make this year different than the previous years you had to suffer doing it alone :D) I’m starting to actually SEE the people who’ll top our class already… strange but you can actually see that distinct little line that separates them from those who cram! It’s just an observation though…

My earphone’s finally bust >< no, I wasn’t waiting for it to get bust but then yeah… accidents happen. So now, my ipod won’t be much active anymore… I actually love my ipod now, though it hasn’t been updated in a very very very VERY long time.

Today, me and my busmates uncovered the secret identity of our new bus conductor. His name’s Neil and he’s only 16. asked why he wasn’t in school, it was because he was waiting for his kid sister (in 3rd year) to finish and they’d go to school together (ain’t that touching and sweet?) next year as seniors. Asked why he was working in our bus as a conductor, he said he just wanted to and that because it was boring not doing anything at all. Other facts state that he’s taken (oh yeah… leia just HAD to ask) and that we kept him from sitting at the front so that we’d have someone to tease.

It’s actually fun to ask questions. Being inquisitive isn’t THAT bad. I hope these skills come in handy one day.

Kate was in a pretty bad mood when we left school. Something should’ve cheered her up by now. Of course, she’s not going to tell me what the fuck happened (cause I’d be over reacting and all and I’d worry then I’d get less concentrated then I lose focus altogether and the blame’s on her – proven true… ) but I hope she’s fine.

We saw ichie off (asked tita to bring me home too >< I mean their house) and stayed at the gazebo in the preschool are with kitty and Joanna. Bought avocado con hielo (because I though it fun and yummy) and pretty much talked about super random stuff. Yup, my best friends are random, and so must I be.

One more thing: I never want to hear statements that go something like ‘i’ve done nothing but this and that and that and this’ because it’s… cge, nakakabastos yung statement na yun, sa totoo lang. Don’t make me see something like that because it feels horrible in my opinion because all I’ve done since the start is to study, study, study, and study.

I don’t want to hear the word ‘august’ too.

You have all been forewarned :D

...

(typed just now)

for the second time, my brother's being sweet. yesterday, he remembered to buy me yogurt then today he bought me icecream... CHOCOLATE icecream at that. how sweet can you brother be?

tired, with lots of things to do and another scratch from kate to boot. no wonder i find myself going crazy at times.

-shing

the typhoon named 'frank'

note: this was written last night

...

(listening to aishiteru by Mi)

the rain, as of now, has subsided quite a bit, but the damage to the garden outside is still in the same condition as it was this morning.

Last night, I must’ve woken up 5 times through out the night, in different intervals. At 4 in the morning, I was sick of waking up. I didn’t even know WHY I woke up, but I just did. Maybe it was because of the cold or because it was raining so hard I heard the pitter patter of the rain even through my dreams… if I had any. At 8, I was awake but I pushed myself to remain in bed until 9, an hour after. The only reason I got out of bed was because my mom knocked on my door to let her in.

The Indian mango tree beside our gate fell during the night, and now it’s hazardously lying across our driveway, stretching a wire (I think it was an extension of a light) to its limit. It’s sad because we wouldn’t be looking forward to fresh Indian mangoes anymore. It’s a big waste too, since it saves us from buying Indian mangoes by the kilo. Most of all, that particular tree held my interest once: it bore a heart-shaped mango that almost fell on me one day. It all happened when I felt down and depressed, thinking that life didn’t love me in the very least.

The rain fell steadily all day long, the wind closing the windowpanes for us. ‘Frank’, the typhoon that hit us, stayed all day. I didn’t even wash my hair today just because the water felt so cold and I forgot to heat up water. We ate arrozcaldo for lunch, a dish I haven[‘t eaten in a very long time, and went our own ways after that. My mom had an appointment at 3 and me and my bro just watched akazukin chacha for the whole afternoon.

As of now, we’re already at the 3rd disk (out of 4) and the story’s concentrationg (finally) on how in the world chacha, riya and shine-chan would defeat the evil lord and recover chacha’s parents. I was actually surprised to hear that chacha had 2 other weapons other than her beauty serene arrow :D she now has phoenix sword (piisuke!) and the bird shield… was it bird shield? Anyway, she’s set now but I still can’t see why there are more episodes.

In truth, I’ve never finished akazukin chacha. Maybe I did before, but I don’t remember anything now :D

Last night, tita jenny gave my bro an agouti-looking rabbit. At first, I said it’s name was ‘patches’, but my brother misunderstood everything and thought I said ‘peaches’. So now, we call the 2–month old rabbit ‘peaches’ but my bro spells it this way: peeches. Okay, he’s cute that way.

I like peaches a lot, since his fur is of the ‘strokable’ kind. He doesn’t like to be picked up and usually he’s frightened so that’s why I stroke his fur often, just so I can calm the creature. Soon enough, he closes his eyes and he’s fast asleep. I just pity him cause he still lives inside a carton box. We weren’t able to buy a cage for him today because of the storm, but I hope pa finds the time tomorrow. Peaches deserves better than a cramped carton box.

Say I’ve gone crazy but I read the news part of the newspaper cover to cover. It was supposed to be for the stomper game in world his. tomorrow, but since we don’t have classes tomorrow… damn. I even highlighted a lot of the words there!

What else? Yeah, I’ve been studying. It’s funny really. I’ve never expected this to happen to me, anything but this. I guess that’s what third year does to you: makes you all responsible in a weird way… and in a short time too! (must call mikee for our IP proposal tomorrow…)

I’m back to saving the world by recycling paper. I think I’ve lost my kit, but I have at least enough money to buy a new one. I’ve discovered a LOT of papers in one of my drawers and I couldn’t just throw it away. as the newspaper yesterday said, something ‘biodiversity’ thing was going to happen this year, and I decided to take part.

That’s all for today I guess.

-shing

the days just go by

for now, life is a bit hard. not only am i burdened with a lot of assignments but the rain has made me depressed yet again. i can't say how or why it did, but just seeing it rain makes me want to just sleep and forget everything else. it's a comfort that depresses my mood with every raindrop.

for other matters, i got sick one morning and then poof, it suddenly turned into a horrible 'near-to-death' experience. i've written everything already on my filipino journal (since i didn't know what to write) and it still creeps me out. what the hell did i eat?

the rain's a bit strong and my hands are basically tired. plus my eyes hav developed the skill called twitching. my stomach's rumbling too. i didn't eat breakfast in a hurry to go OL. hahahaha. i know, stupid.

actually, i haven't eaten anything decent in school. we're always in a hurry, always cramming, always reading, always grouping... it's like there's no more time for food. at least friends, they gave time for :D

can't think of anything to write anymore.

oh well

-shing

hard work over the weekend

(a day too late)

Weekends are supposed to be fun and relaxing. Weekends are supposed to be used up by going to church with the family and spending the rest of the time inside the mall. This weekend isn’t like that all…

It all started Saturday morning. I woke up at around 8 to go to my mom’s clinic real early for research. It then took me around 3 hours to find a worthy research (that looks credible enough) and to print what seemed to be an unprintable-looking pdf file. At around 12, I rushed back to the house for piano ( a miserable sounding session that seemed to be totally humiliating for me) and at 1 started to read what I had just printed.

No really, works of scholars are hard to understand at first. For an hour, I was just staring at the paper wondering what kind of language did the authors use. It sounded and looked like complete gibberish. I got the whole thing only this morning (after sleeping on it ><) and pieced it all together from 4 pm to 9 this evening. We celebrated father’s day at my uncle’s house with everyone else. Festivities of any kind are always upheld here, so yeah. Bea’s right: we ARE party people :D Right now, I can’t wash up just yet because my hand suddenly became numb (I handwritten my whole hw) and it’s freakin hot. Kare kano… I have to remember that! Lol Well, it’s another school day tomorrow. I can’t say I’m exactly ready and all… but I’m not nervous anymore. I find school enjoyable now, with all the people around me nice and all. We’re actually good kids ><>

first week... done

'it's only been 4 days but i feel like it's been a month since we started school' -dani

yeah. i agree with her. actually, everyone agrees. for the past 4 days, i've done nothing but hold my books and read them till late at night. i can say it's paid off a bit but that's not the problem at hand : i feel like i'm tired already of school life.

my class is actually great, considering that everyone's nice and cheery. well, pranksters and side-commenters are more like it but then we all get along... i think. for now, i've made friends already with the people on the right side of the classroom (where i sit) and i find them nice. honestly, they're all familiar faces that i haven't been classmates with and i find myself wondering now why i didn't try making friend with them before. they're nice, they're dear and fun too... not to mention they like to laugh and joke around a lot.

our AC's busted and we've been sweltering in the heat for 3 days now. yeah, it only worked during the first day. the leaders of our class have come up with the 'close the door quickly' sign (with matching reasons) on both the doors for the foreign (or other) people to see. the room actually gets colder when there's no one in it (we found that out when we went to the lab for a lesson).

what else? first quiz, first SW and first two group presentations went alright, forgetting the fact we were time pressured :D

but of course, though i like my classroom now, i still hangout with kate and ichie during recess, lunch and dismissal. they're the only one's i've got to pull me up now, and even if they're a wall barricade and a - classroom barricade between us all, i still like to think that we're closer than ever. the recess spot's now the far right staircase of the building (the one that's rarely used) and we laugh ourselves stupid cause we know no one hears us.

for the record, i've got 3 ugly-looking bruises in exchange of my attempts to humor kate. well, i've humored her 15-20 times and i'm lucky enough to only get 3 comebacks :D i'll try and ask bea to teach me something close to self defense ><

mmm... i'm not supposed to be updating but yeah... i guess the only times i'll be online now is saturday morning and if it's really important, certain evenings during weekdays. study habits have greatly improved and i've taken to reading while walking :D

homework's not done yet. better go :D

-shing

Expecting the worst and forgetting the best

It’s pathetic how I idly waste my time in listening to two of the most suitable songs that match my mood. From morning to night, those two song just play and re-play themselves on my I-pod, on my cell phone and even inside my head. How pathetic can the rest of my life be?

As foreseen, I’m still in a wreck… and to think it’s almost school time. Really~ I actually wonder how I’ll manage to get through the first day without failing everyone’s expectations… especially mine, since I plan on hiding a few facts about myself. I just HATE responsibility. I’ll take anyone on when it comes to leadership (weird enough but I can get a group project done smoothly) but when it comes to putting a big burden, then I’ll have to pass. If the need arises, I’ll lie that I can’t even hold my pen or something that’ll make me look like a useless person. It’s the only thing that’ll prevent the situation that everyone’ll blame me.

I hate that feeling too. The feeling when you’ve done your best but people never recognize your efforts. In fact, they sneer at your hard work and declare that it’s not enough. It’s as if THEY can do a much better work at it. Hmph. I hate people like those. I can actually name a few people who I’ve come across: those who think they’re gods or some sort of lord. Through my 2 years of high school, I’ve kept close watch and backed down in any chance given to work with them. It’s intuition, really. They have their good points, don’t get me wrong, but being pulled down by their insensitivity and sheer narrow-mindedness can get on anyone’s nerves.

I haven’t been inside a classroom where people are all chums. Bea, pam and chie have, and it’s good for them. For me, not yet. The time hasn’t come for me to realize that they’re good. All I know is that the classroom’s a cycle of backstabbing and hidden hatred. Friends are friends, sure, but you can call anyone your friend. No one uses the word ‘acquaintance’, to be safe.

I don’t really know why I feel pessimistic. Maybe because when I looked over the names of my to-be classmates, I felt somewhat… different. Not even one close friend to boot. Not even one of them with an amazing attraction to anime, literature or whatnot. When I looked at the list for the first time, I felt like a real black sheep; the out of place person. Angel’s there but she’s changed. I really don’t know how to react to it. Hayoon’s there too but she’s got her circle. Cla is just too smart and Mia goes with her. Those are the only people I know and I already feel like I wanna give up.

Maybe I’ll spend my whole year with the other room people, but that’s wishful thinking. What happens inside the classroom then? What will happen when it’s time for groups? For committees? I feel so desolated about it all, I can hardly say I’m excited for classes to begin. All I’m looking forward is the END of the school year, which in reality is a year away.

Why is my life so… so… complicated? Why can’t I just understand? I want to do good, get grades that my parents are going to be so proud of, but I can’t live like that, right? I can’t just turn blind to the life I know and embrace with all my might! Thinking about it, I kinda wish there was some sort of chance I can change rooms. I actually want to go to room 8 or 10 or wherever shaniqua and kitty is. All I want is to feel I belong cause right now, I actually know that I don’t.

As far as school work goes, I’ll manage. I just don’t want to feel shitty and left out. I don’t want to feel rejected by the way I am. I know a lot of people reject me (there’s no use in denying it) and even hate and resent me. I can live with the façade they’re going to play against me but I just can’t take it if all of whom I’m surrounded with are all like that. And I’m not resorting to clinging to my adviser either, whoever she is. I may be nice, but I’m not a teacher’s pet. I have a life too and it doesn’t include being liked by teachers. I bet they see me as a nuisance. An awful one at that.

Worse, I won’t have Brian. I won’t have him to talk to me, to ease a few complications… I can’t say it exactly but I’ll miss him terribly. I already do now, and it hurts that I can’t show it. I have to look normal. Of course it’s my problem and it’s all up to me to fix it. It’s not my dad’s fault, neither is it my mom’s. They want me to finish and live properly. I’ll do what they want, fine, but I’ll have to do what I find right too. It’s sad I can’t say even a proper goodbye… I try saying it to tammy, but the words just won’t come out. I end up staring at him and thinking ‘he’s sticking his tongue at me because I’m pathetic’.

Pathetic. My life’s one big miserable joke.

I’ll hate myself even more if I don’t get anywhere.

…

as a side note, here’s a part of a song I’ve totally forgotten except the chorus…

‘cause I still believe in destiny
that you and I were meant to be
I still wish on a star as it falls from above
Cause I still believe
Believe in love’

I quite doubt that these are the right lyrics, since my mind’s a bit rusty, but I can sing it :D now to find where I got them…

-shing

(to think it’s such a nice day today and I’ve been rambling on badly… how could I?)

I’m a famous nobody

So far, I’m still caught up with the emotions I felt during the m3 con last Saturday; happiness, disappointment, hyper and maybe a bit of hopeful wishing. For the whole day, it was a roller coaster ride of conflicting emotions and shoving them in the past. I’m sorry to those who were forced to say I looked pretty. Thanks for the effort of trying to cheer me up guys! I love you all~

Since I’ve written it mostly all in my uh… ‘not so secret’ ugly notebook, I won’t waste space. All I know is that I felt oh so gloriously happy. Not even the stares of a million people could ruin it. No, I regret wearing shorts and my new top. According to iks, he noticed others stealing glances at my front. Yes, ridiculous as it sounds, I even checked in the mirror to be sure. I guess the cut of the blouse really meant it to be that way. Oh well, it’s done anyway.

Another thing I feel stupid for is crying on the con itself in the midst of a lot of people. I kinda thank chie for keeping me in check. Oh, and for pulling me back when I was about to make another attempt. How do you say this… I was a bit desperate. Crying in the taxi helped too, cause manong driver was trying to cheer me up too. At the end of the ride (taft station) I was teased to death… and I felt happy about it.

Chie, bea, pam, dani, tina, iya, rissa, my lovable chaperone (yes, I had one) and kuya… thanks for making that day so fun! What a way to ‘mourn’ the end of summer ><

…

I know it’s late, but I just got to watch 300… it was cool >< and all along I thought it was some pointless gory movie… I was so wrong about that~

…

so I guess the other entries posted are those old ones. Forgive me, but I haven’t been online even once ever since 3 weeks ago. Self control? Pretty much~

-shing

Life : it’s complicated

No, right now, I just don’t really get myself at all… it’s as if for the past 30 minutes I felt like I was in a trance.

Yes, again with being bored. I’ve never felt so much boredom in my whole entire life! I was scourging the 2nd floor for missed books when suddenly I felt the urge to just look at the contents of every drawer, every cabinet and every shelf. Yup, even re-checking my school books for the 100th time.

I guess I was wondering where the past was. I was hoping that some piece of paper from my past would turn up. You know, the ones with my ugly handwriting and all that. Of course, I couldn’t help but get disappointed when none actually appeared. I must’ve threw it all out.

I never had a diary when I was young, honestly. I couldn’t care much to what happened the afternoon before or whatever. I just started writing when I read Anne Frank’s diary. Yes, call me a copy cat but I did. That was when I was 10. so what ever happened to the memories I had when I was 1-9?

I know, I’m rambling; it’s another product of boredom. I’ve pushed my brother out and even used the dim lights this time, just for the feel. To me, I find it hard to find time for myself. It’s always me and my brother… or me and my parents… maybe the only times I DO get time for myself is when I watch TV. Exclude the fact that I have 2 others with me whenever I do.

…

I’m supposed to shut up about this but I just can’t help it. I felt disappointed when chie told me kate couldn’t come on Saturday. No, I’m not going to say bad things about those who disallowed her for not letting her go (cause it’s not me… and that would be rude and impolite cause they’ve been so nice to me ever since… except JP… JP’s mean cause he teases me a lot and makes rude statements that seem inappropriate at some point) but I just don’t understand why she’s not allowed. Her dad didn’t give a reason (I think) and I guess this was another episode of ‘i’ll tell you you’re not allowed at the last minute’. Yes, this has happened often enough. Of course, we’re getting sick of it, but what can we do?

Though life is complicated I can honestly say I like my life better than my best friend’s. She knows this fact, no need to worry. I’ve pointed this out to her millions of times already :D

…

Isn’t it obvious that I’m going through the stage of life called ‘with writer’s block’?

…

When I’m with you by Simple Plan – listening to this once again

…

FF tactics. Currently, I’m stuck on beating the dragon totema dude and I’m getting irritated that he keeps on winning… like, what the… I’m getting myself a walkthrough if I get sick of trying to beat him and his 3 enormous (not to mention powerful) guards.

Not just that, it’s annoying that the story turns out to be Mewt’s fantasy. I was like ‘O___O of all the people why him?!?’ I was expecting it was Marche’s brother, but nooooooo… Ritz seems like she’s enjoying Ivalice though… I bet Marche’s brother would turn out to be some big shot mage or something. I’m betting on it.

…

one day left till the con!!! Yeah!!!

…

Okay, confession : I think the currently running coke commercial is the BEST commercial the Coca Cola company has ever thought of. I know, I know… it’s quite strange but I’m actually drawn to the commercial. Maybe because it had a celestial being in it (which isn’t really common in commercials) or because it had an attractive girl and cute guy to act in it… wouldn’t know. I just thought the idea was fantastic. I just don’t get why the angel wanted to figure out who’s ‘aaaaahhh’ she heard belonged to. Then she drinks coke and meets a demon-turned-human hot looking dude. Ehehe. Can actually form a story based from that… hmm… :3

…

okay! Obviously I’m ranting to waste time. It’s just 9 and I’m not the least bit sleepy. Sleep doesn’t want to come to me now. I just know it. The sandman leaves me behind after he’s sprinkled dust on everyone else’s eyes in my house. How could he forget me? I’m obviously begging him to make me sleep a little earlier…. Even just 11. School’s about to start and I just can’t imagine myself going with eye bags!!! Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu… never! Never! Not in a million years will I turn up like that!!!

…

staring at my books… nothing else to do but fix them… again…

-shing

Explaining myself… again

There are times when I just don’t feel like going out at all and there are times I want the exact opposite. For a few weeks now, I haven’t really stepped out of my house for God knows what reason and I haven’t updated almost anything. Sure, I go to mass every Sunday (thus going out) and I guess I did explore Trinoma last Sunday too, but that’s just it. Monday till Saturday I’m stuck bored shitless inside the house.

I once called chie during the night and told her my life was so boring. At the same time my brother was trying to poke me. Okay, so my butt’s all that sensitive and I actually feel ticklish there at some point so I was like running with the cordless around the room. Chie was like ‘so that’s the boring life huh?’ ‘yeah’ ‘wish I could live it…’ ‘be my guest chie! Live the boring life… like me!’

Well, maybe there’s a real reason why I don’t want to go out anymore. Ever heard of being stalked? Kate didn’t seem to agree with me when I related to her what happened but I kinda swear it wasn’t just the feeling of being watched. More like being taken pictures of or recorded on cam. Yeah, I’m paranoid, so what? Ever since the December thing (and now the fucked up car that parked right in front of my ma’s place) I’ve been paranoid. What do they want anyway? At the age of 16, it’s quite believable that I haven’t made enemies with powerful people and I’m not really doing anything bad. No, I don’t do drugs nor do I drink on a daily basis. And the hell with the option that those guys want me on some trade. I wear big clothes going out. There’s no way in hell they’ll get me.

Okay, forget it. When school time comes, I’ll have enough time to forget everything. Include that I’m basically a workaholic on my profile.

I remember a friend of mine saying that whenever we bumped into each other, I was always rushing. Yeah, I do agree. I’m always rushing. Rushing towards the classroom, the time limit, the end of the day. It has always been like that, I guess. Honestly, I want to rush school too. I want to finish already and I just want to live a life with a nice job, a nice house and a dog like Misty. The aim’s too big, I know, and most probably I’ll end up trying to make ends meet and die without even paying debts. Of course, I’ll try to change that future. I’m the only one who’s game enough to take it all on. My parents are actually convinced that I’ll get somewhere…

Somehow, it’s hard convincing myself that I will.

…

Yipee! The 31st is actually near! Woot! I can’t help but laugh and jump for joy. It’s like getting what I want after everything I’ve been through. It’s like getting chocolates for valentines when you’ve been totally hopeless about getting even one. Yes, I’m going to go splurging. Yes, I’ll enjoy myself (despite having a chaperone… my yaya’s nice, eventually). Yes, I’m going to go fan crazy and take lots of photos. Yes, I’ll try finishing house of the dead 4 (finally!). No, I won’t pay off the lost bet I have with chie and kate. Chie will most definitely get a burger though… if I remember :)

…

FF tactics. Call me crazy and old fashioned but tactics is just a gameboy advance game I’ve been crying for since yesterday night. My mom confiscated it cause I’ve been playing it since morning. No, it’s not hard to play but as the title implies, if you haven’t got good tactics, you’ll just basically fail every mission given. Yeah, I’ve lost several times but it’s amusing how I’ve learned how to play a battle, with the winning cards on my hand. The last time I played, Marche finally found Ritz and got disappointed since Ritz didn’t want to change the world she now lived in (ivalice). It must be cool to be able to defeat all kinds of monsters and other clans by the use of magic and swords.

I just felt stupid for not knowing how to pause the game.

…

What I’m about to say is a confession: I feel inferior to those who wear make up. Yeah, even my mother.

…

I haven’t thought about yaoi for a long time now, but I guess I miss it now when boredom struck me at the head. Yes, I miss yaoi. Or maybe I haven’t really lived my life ever since the school year ended two months ago. Yeah, I think so. I haven’t even watched one proper show over the summer. Just the same old boring stuff shown on tv… minus the cable.

-shing

Picking up where I left off

Days seem colder and the hours just pass me by right now. Well, that’s what I think. It’s like I’m living a movie: everyday, I just repeat the same things every hour, every time. All without fail. Scratch the talk about changing myself: it’s not happening anytime soon. Well, at least I’m trying to start things again.

For example, writing forsaken. A few more days till school starts and I finally found my old manuscripts. Yes, people, I stopped re-writing it cause I LOST the only copy I had. Gomen, kate. I know I didn’t tell you that but I found it now :D I’ll be up and working in a while… and editing it bit by bit too. Can I say once more that my writing sucks? Ahahahaha. I even wonder why I’m writing for a name… I’ve been reading past works again (all unfinished and finished ones) and I try not to laugh at them because I wrote them… the irony they make me feel is unexplainable. *sigh*

Markus Zusak, author of ‘the book thief’ and ‘I am the messenger’, is now officially my favorite author. No questions. No doubts. He’s just simply amazing! Especially with the second book I mentioned: it ‘s all tied up nicely and just lol-material. I like how he made Ed Kennedy’s character: not an ounce of the super natural or special chosen shit. Just a plain 19 year old cab driver who’s got no future… well, until he gets those cards. Oh yeah… I just love the card idea! I’m actually reading it again. I’ll buy my own copy of the book thief another day… and a german dictionary to go with it.

Hmm… about books, I’ve finished reading my English book for this year. The title : echoes. It’s the thinnest textbook I’ve got! Seriously~ well, exclude the extra chemistry book I bought. The literary pieces in it are, to sum it all up, are those of famous works by great writers (to name a few: Shakespeare, Robert Frost, Edgar Allan Poe… still remember his poem ‘Annabel Lee’ people?). the only think I dislike about the book is it’s text layout. Other than that, content gets an A. but who the hell am I to rate textbooks anyway? Hahahahaha~

I found an old book I used to love when I was still a kid. ‘Shimmeree’ by Stephen Cosgrove. Yes, it’s an odd book for kids that you’d find inside the likes of stores like Book Sale, but it has a nice story to it, though second hand (when my mom bought it). Flip a few more pages and at the end is a short story I actually wrote when I was in kinder. The title : ‘the lovely red rose of the castle’. So fine, I didn’t start writing like a pro, okay? Reading it further (through the blue crayon scrawled all over my chicken scratches) I found myself laughing at typos (or did I just spell destroy as ‘thistroy’?) and grammatical errors everywhere. I’m not going to call it a disgrace though. It’s a memory :D so here I am, re writing it (word per word, wrong grammar per wrong grammar) just for laughs…

…

The lovely red rose of the castle

Once upon a time there was a big red lovely rose beside the castle
One day someone is gowing to thistroy it so the princes heard that her dear lovely plant will be destroy so the next morning she have a glass so that the plant will not be destroy it was a hard glass so she cover the plant so that the plant will not be destroy so the princes live with the plant and they live hapily ever after.

(insert hearts and stars of assorted sizes)

love Elisha
for everyone

…

not bad for a kindergarten kid right? Okay fine, laugh your asses at it but at least I can say I’ve improved a lot! Yeah!

Hmmm… might just effing revise it… hmmm… twist here, twist there… yeah. Definitely changing it but that title will remain :D

(dancing to the beat of groovin’ magic by round table)

well, another night to go then, waiting for something that’ll never come… cheers!

-shing

raindrops

it's been raining for the past few days and to match it, i've been sleeping a lot as well. i don't know, it's just my habit to sleep when it's raining. it's like turning on the AC and forgetting all your worries without the hassle of electric bills in the end.

for around 4 days now, i've been teaching my brother english, reading, spelling, math and comprehensive reading all out of the big book my mom dug out. plus a chapter a day from 'James and the Giant Peach' by Roald Dahl. being a teacher is no big feat, and in the end i'm left in a bad state wherein i have a scratch here or a scrape there and a pink spot on my hand. yes, my brother and i don't really get along well when it comes to academics. i don't get how he just couldn't see the answer when it's right infront of him. especially with comprehension. today was the worst and we ended up crying and shouting at each other through a closed door. i hate it when people are so slow into catching up.

but no worries! we made up in the end (over sardines and hotdog and rice at lunch) and here i am now writing what happened. my brother might be a pain but he gets points for being sweet.

so! for now, i've earned around 200 for the 31st! yeah! let's all count until i get to 1k!

(ish now having a bad case of colds... damn)

-shing

for real now...

since last night, i haven't really been feeling well... emotionally, so to say. it's true when friends say i take a lot of things seriuosly. i know i shouldn't stress myself over this. i could actually hear kate screaming 'don't think about it! sheesh!' inside my head... my problem, my problem, yeah, yeah. i got that. like my mom says, it's officially my habit now. a habit is hard to stop. i've had a lot of habits and not one of them has left me. i still sleep with the lights open, i still go out with a bag (even if it's just my mom's clinic), i brush my teeth hoping that it'll turn whiter every night... weird habits :D

me and chie were planning to go to the con on the 31st :D i think this is the poster http://mangaholix.deviantart.com/art/M3con08-Poster-ver1-82129704 yeah... i just hope chie can come. i'm going to work so hard for at least a thousand bucks... just for that day. MRT road trip people! wanna join me? ahahaha~

we got to talking about past stuffs and all that. of course, i'll keep everything we've talked about confidential and a secret. it hurts to remember sad pasts ya know? but we did get to talking and i noticed a few more points about my bestfriend. then about that... it's always hard to make decisions and i can't possibly just toss a coin and depend on it for an answer. no, things had to be thought of more thoroughly. i've finally reached a decision last night (after screaming on my pillow). i'll get things done and over.

right now, i'm happily combing my hands to my newly cut hair. it looks different (of course) and it feels different too. it feels like a large burden just suddenlt dissapeared. i'm not saying i didn't love my old hair. i did, but it was totally heavy. now it's just about chin level right now and light. ahahaha. i may not look like the way i did before, but at least it looks fine. crazy but cute, as my cousin mai says.

here i am, left to plan and to finish off everything...

oh! and that piano concert... i'm about to panic! i mean, a guest! ahahaha~ the honor and fear of that word...

it's raining often now and i hope things'll go well... better actually.

-shing

haircut

i just got a haircut... looks weird :P

-shing

reinvention

(I can’t hear myself think cause of my brother’s screaming… O_O)

all I know is that the first ending theme of bokura ga ita is playing in my mind… oh wait, he stopped nagging me HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. But seriously, aishiteru by mi is starting to play again and again. I dunno. It’s fun to listen to it :P

the way I live… I’m actually thinking of reinventing myself, for the better. How many times have I thought about this? About a million times I guess. I can’t think of one thing that’ll hold me back, but I can’t just seem to start. The ‘after 6 diet’ was a failure on me (thanks to my parents who insisted on eating dinner) and cleaning out my room seems a hard task in the middle of summer. I mean, I DO want to clean out my room but I’ll have to suffer a heat stroke or something. Yeah… So you could now imagine what a potato couch I’ve turned out to be >< (fat and useless much? Yeah~) my room’ filled with piles and piles of paper and books! Hahahahaha. I even have those from last year mixed with the new ones :P hahahaha

what else? I’m trying to get my mom to go with me for a haircut. Tarantella by A. Pieczonka is a dream to play but I’ll still get it. Twinkle is, by far, the best and adorable lopsided little creature I’ve ever invented. I’m still working on the design for my dress… a lot of things to do >< oh, and cover uncovered books! :P I still have about 5 yet to cover but I’m still not moving.

Maybe the only thing decent I’ve done this past summer is go to SEP. oh and study for a bit. Yeah… when I tell people I’m studying, they’re like ‘what for? Why?’ O_O okay. Cause I WANT to. I want to prove that I’m not some stupid little brat, as some people picture me to be. Oh yeah sure, I can be a brat but that’s not totally me. Plus, I really wanna try hard this year. The aim? About a grade of 90, just to be sure. Now, it’s not enough that I pass. It was fine before but not now.

-shing

thoughts on random

For a few nights now, I’ve been reading a book given to me by my cousin (thanks ate!) to pass the time. ‘Bagets’ is a compilation of short stories for young adults (an anthology, as it says on the cover) and I kind of realized that most of the stories written in English were about the prom. Yes, the prom. Now it had me thinking: what would I be when that time came?

First of all: the dress. It’s true that I’m not into the fashion-makeup-trend crap but I seriously love imagining styles of dresses. I can go from Victorian to modern and though they may REALLY come out as an amateur’s design, it doesn’t matter: I know my knowledge of it is yet too small to have a masterpiece-like output. So okay, for myself, I decided to go against the usual straight gowns… I remembered the time I had to wear one and seriously, my legs looked like it would burst the seams on the sides. Plus, walking in it with high heels had me limping and hopping most of the time. The solution? My dress would have to be a full petticoat-like dress. The style where in it’s full waist down. Plus it’ll hide the flabs, ne? >< (if I still had them by that time)

Next, the upper design: a halter. A tube top seems outdated and a spaghetti looks like common, so why not go for something people don’t usually do? And not JUST the simple halter-style where in it’s a string holding it altogether: I want it to be a PART of the dress itself. Like it’s a ruler’s width or something… or maybe more!

Actually, I sketched it last night (should be able to post it by now) and by my standards, it looks great. My mom just doesn’t agree with the ruffles on the halter itself… I should ask her for a reason.

(note: I got it that to hire someone to sew, it would cost you around 2000 for the plain gown and 5000 for the petticoat looking thing… damn… is this an early sign that I’ won’t be eating until it gets done?)

oh, and I’m not going for fashion designing… I’ve got no originality :P

Yesterday, I swear people hid my pants to make me wear shorts to the mall. I mean, hello!!! Where were my pants?!? Then they said they couldn’t find them and I had to go out in denim shorts. After 2 effing years, I had to do it again T_____T Did I say going out in shorts feels so degrading? Yes it does. It feels like I’m someone cheap. It feels like I’m out seducing eyes of millions of people to come and get me. I’m NOT like that. My dad defends that I’ve got the body, so why not show it? Here’s my anser: cause I don’t like showing. Sure, I’ll show my talents, I’ll show my stupidity in math but skin? I know it’s JUST shorts for some people but it’s not like they’ve got log-like legs and a weird dark patch (that’s built by the illusion of tiny scars) on the right knee… Let’s face it, I was built for pants. Nothing else.

Oh, but as much as I hate my legs, I absolutely love my feet. I’m not trying to sound vain and proud, but in every shoe, sandal, flats and high heels I come across, I find that they look good in it. It’s like I can wear any footwear I desire! >< hahahaha. The only thing I feel I can’t do is get a pedicure every month. (I’ve got no money :P) and buy every shoe I like (still no money).

Bokura Ga Ita… My god… I finally have it! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! I personally think it’s worth buying it even if it cost me 210… it was fucking 70 per CD ya know! I got it from Hobby Point (they have a lot of it I tell you) cause I got tired of waiting for 2rats to have some stock of it. Seriously… against 50 and 70, I couldn’t care anymore about the 20 difference. As long as I got it, I’m happy. :D So far, it’s amusing me to no end and even if the art’s on the simple side, the plot’s better than any sappy love anime I’ve ever watched. I mean, there are really anime shows that only focus on the love part but Bokura Ga Ita, so far, has the most uncorniest and unbitchiest plot I’ve ever seen. It’s so innocent ><

There. Update enough

-shing

when bored, play!

Yes, after SEP classes, I’m finally bored to death and not even reading my world his. book is doing the trick. Yes, seriously, I’m starting to read it and later, I might just get the urge to print out a noli summary.

But enough! Yesterday was so fun! Pos, a cousin of mine, got me to go with him to gateway. Dunno why, but even if we’re two years apart (me being older) we kind of get along well. It’s actually fun to hang out, and I’m saying this cause I don’t go out often.

A note: if you can, never say ‘yes’ to a large sized drink from burger king. Yes, never… that is, if you can’t finish it. I thought their large sized drink was just about mcdonalds or jollibee large size. But no! The cup was freaking huge!!! I couldn’t even finish it all. On the other hand, I thought the onion rings tasted so much better with ketchup and the brownie ala mode (if that’s what they call it) was eating something like a chocolate cake with a lot of cream as sauce. Hahaha. While eating, we kinda overheard this dude talk to an English man over his cellphone. It was so funny, and it was hard not to laugh, smile and roll your eyes.

After that, timzone! Oh yeah! Can I say ‘I’ve never felt so alive’? We got to use my school id for this promo thing and oh yeah! First, we wanted to play tekken 6 but then the guys who were giving off the message that they weren’t going to stand any time yet. Another round and Pos was like ‘Deal or no deal tayo!’ and we laughed at the weird expressions the girls had on their faces (we won 12 tickets… lol).

We kinda hit the rest of our credits off with House of the Dead 4, reaching up to chapter 4. Pos wasn’t quick enough to reload the card and I kinda got crushed by the monster dude and his big fat butt. No worries cause we got to the super trivia (where I won 2 times in a row). He beat me in mario kart though… The funny part: we spent almost 200 pesos for the stupid toy crane game. And to top it all off, we only got candy… no toy ><

DDR… how I miss DDR >< I got up to medium! Wahahaha, but then pos wasn’t a big fan (choosing the keyboard, PSP and other gaming consoles than the real thing) so he cut short my happiness. But that’s fine. It was fun to know that I don’t suck at DDR as much now.

I saw ate Cor and K-chan, playing house of the dead… just right after us! Hahahaha. Funny! They only got up to chapter 5 though… Next time, I’ll get chie to play non-stop and we’ll finish the whole thing. Once and for all.

DQ icecream… it’s amazing how the first few minutes it doesn’t fall of the cup, even if it’s upside down. And I had to do it again to prove it. Hahahaha. I even wanted to keep the spoon!!! The spoon~ Mud pie was absolutely delicious.

The day ended with us inside the jeep, laughing cause we didn’t get caught in the rain.

I got to create a new OC >< her name’s twinkle and basically she’s a girl who has a big head (literally… I mean hydrocephalus type) and a small body, wings… and I guess she looks like an angel doll. Hahaha. I just can’t draw her properly. At least I got back to drawing… now I have to work on writing again.

GAH! I just remembered! My chicklit dare was uh… I guess chicklit is a failure to me. Hahahaha >< a total failure :P

-shing

summer advanced classes

from this point onward, i guess i have to start working and studying hard. i know, it's still summer but my parents enrolled me in advanced chem and geom. it's not much of a bummer and for at least 2 weeks, i have bea and shaniqua with me to go through the same pain. isn't it nice to know that there are 14 more people sharing your pain?

but i'm doing it. basically, i'm proving to myself that i'll get this studying done and i'll get good grades. i'll understand and cope as much as i can and answer well. i promise.

i dunno, i'm kinda tired right now and just thought of updating. ehehehe.

-shing

in the province called cebu part 1

so basically, i've been in cebu since last saturday. i can't say that i totally NOT like it because for the past few days i've been having fun. really. we shall start at the very beginning:

first of all, we rode a plane to cebu. a fact : it was my first time to ride one that i can remember clearly. the last time, i sort of forgot since i was little (around 5 yrs. old). hahaha. okay, damn that we had the last flight, but the city at night IS something. i swear. the wait at the terminal was too damn long though... too long. or maybe we were there pretty early to start with.

so the airplane ride was fun, except for the rush in the ears. in the end, we kinda figured out that i wasn't made for airplane rides and i came out pretty shitty. hahhaha. can't say how shitty, but i bet it was less than the octopus ride during the fair.

my tita's house is cute. it's really cute, though it's small. it's homely too. and it has all these nice nifty messages... you know the cement type? yeah, that's how it looks like. related to that, my tita likes bossa, so i kinda wake up with bossa music ><><

uh... other notes : :P love summer now more than before..

see the part 1? i swear i'll be posting sometime again. you know the internet's my drug afterall.

-shing

roses, anyone?

woke up at around 6 30 and just lounged around until an hour later. it was cold ><

i've already started on writing SQAIB. seriuosly, i never thought i'd get through the first part! my mind's accustomed now to typing than writing. writing now is only good for emotional gushes. typing is for stories. :D

i didn't have any piano today, and i quite find it a dissapointmen... especially with the money. yes, i kinda side with my mom on that but what could i do? no one texted me! even kate had no clue! ><

so today's the fourth year's graduation. i almost forgot about it until i went ot school ><>

i only got to see and hug ate fel and congratulate her. she was the only one i saw anyway. yes, i'm attached to her like the way i'm attached to kate and chie. oh, and i'll miss all the seniors who've been so kind as to even talk to me (demi, cor, drea, ruchi k-chan...) and of course answer my stat survey. hope things go well for them in college. :D

the way i see it, the year's been absolutely fun. sure, i felt the ups and downs, but all in all, this sophpmore year (even if pink) had gone far better than freshman year. what can i say? i forgot to be anti-social

note: trickster is still not working with me... T_____T what am i supposed to do?

uploaded pictures from my cellphone. i <3>

and kate? check your cell now and then. i'll relate to you everything that's inside the airplane. :D

-shing

first day of freedom (reminiscing yesterday)

sure, i've always thought the school year would NEVER end but here i am, officially out of school and on my way to junior year. it's over. OVER. summer's about to start.

yesterday, i had to admit, was REALLY long. i mean, the dread of failing exams somewhat plagued me. a-his was somewhat... admittedly, i was hating the exam for what it was cause most of what i memorized wasn't there. Cl... well dammit! mrs. kupang didn't even put the bible verses we all tried in VAIN to memorize. stat was fun cause we had a 25 point bonus (ms didn't teach us the problem solving part and the rules of something something). bio was a pain. a REAL pain. i have no idea if i'll eventually survive it.

that was it! XD during lunch, me, kate, shaniqua and kitty bonded for the last time near the once- worm infected chair. we eventually decided to ask tita beng what the personality paper was all about. i guess our little gift (going insane from torture) brigade has finally found it's tagline : WE DON'T CARE!

with exams finished, we were about to treck towards the faculty when ms. caught us and said we had to get back to the classroom. had out goodbye speeches, took last class pictures (kate as our photographer) and out.

shaniqua tripped on the stairs cause of kitty's skirt. i don't know in what condition her leg is (it had a nice little cut yesterday) right now, but i hope it's better.

fact : now there are three different bloodstains on my hanky. nice. (of course i wash them away... right?)

took pictures (they're all in my multiply acct) and that concluded my day.

now i guess it's time to pack my little bag and start my vacation properly XD

-shing

show must go on

as of now, life's a blunder and i still haven't picked myself up yet to even fix it.

journalism is getting to be a pain, but what can else can i do but do it? there's nothing i could get out of NOT trying to finish some stupid layout. major plan : study butt off until the wee hours of the morning until done to finish journ at around tomorrow :D

sounds nice, ain't it?

not only that, i'm seething with rage. no, i won't write it here cause it's controversial and totally not me to put my family in another turmoil. the LAST thing i want is everyone hating me because of a truth i just can't accept.

next week : exam week. i guess my cramming skills are good enough to withstand something as torturous as this. not only is it physically draining but emotionally as well.

so with that, i bid the internet a farewell for a while. until the 14th!

-shing

dissapointment

true, i DID get my new printer and i DID read the manual like, overnight, but that's just that. it just won't install on my computer at home. meaning, it has to be installed here at the clinic. i mean, i don't really care if it gets installed here but it's kinda unfair cause the PC here already HAS internet... and i don't.... nown it's the printer



T______T



it's not the greatest dissapointment in my life, but it did give me another reason to be sad.



on the other side, i finally finished the book my dad gave me. seriuosly, he could've just given it to my mom instead of me, cause she'd (probably) appreciate it more. the president's daughter (that's the title) is NOT chicklit, as some people would propose it is by it's title. it's an action novel of some sorts that talk about people who's mission is to kick other people's butt to save the president's 'secret' daughter.



i just wish david went ahead and killed judas, not the other way around.



and so, since that book's done, i'm going to start abarat (days of magic : nights of war) today! yeaaaaahhh! i'm half through lost souls though... might finish that first.

...

for nowm the only HW i'm done with is math. i'm still not up to do journ... and GIFT is another matter too. i might not do the review again, but i HAVE to make the lit. journ and personal essay. that's where my grades will depend on.

speaking of grades, i think i'm being lazy again. O_____O the horror... 4th periodic exams are coming up too... might as well start studying my butt off this moment...

no wait. HW first :D

-shing

not an illusion

today was piano day...

i can easily say that Hanon is my favourite book in piano and Thompson my least. i mean, really~ i guess speed's my game in playing.

my dad and brother went along with me today. it's not half bad to see your brother peeking at the window, tapping and saying hi every once in a while. hehehe. i guess having a little brother does that to you. you just get used at being tapped on and called on every now and then.

we went to mega and yeah! ate at sbarros for lunch. pizza there is GREAT. and the cake too, though i think the sponge cake used in it didn't have enough flavor.

i finally got to admit to my dad. yes, people, after a week. after a week of pure brain torture and nagging conscience dillemas, i have finally come clean, down to even last year's part. what can i say? i'm proud.

actually, i'm glad. my dad kinda understands, cause he KNOWS he's been through it, even if his is in a different perspective. he's just against rushing things. so now, i can still talk to him, but on a friendly basis (insert a couple of random words here and there and i think we'll be fine).

the only thing left now to do is wait. it's not easy to wait, true, but 'if it's destined' then it'll come. 6 years will just pass XD

now all that's left is convincing my mother :P

...

i bought ABARAT book 2 today... the smaller version of course. i was actually squeeling insde national bookstore in pure delight. i've got a few days to read it, so read it i shall.

oh, and it was a bargain too! 40% off? how much better can this day be?

...

tomorrow, we'll be going to my mother-side relatives. yeah! new printer!

-shing

setting things on fire

no, i haven't set my house on fire yet. :D

i guess what i'm saying that inspite of all the things that has been happening in my life, i still want to do a lot. i still want to move, write, sing, shout, talk. i'm not done being hyper, and more so doing school work...

or maybe this is all the effect of sleeping at one in the morning... damn cl project. but yes, i still love you and your green-staining paint covered body.

i've just realized that painting styro with poster paint will eventually stain your hands, even if it's already dried and all that. hahaha. how would people play my gameboard if they knew their hands would eventually turn green?

i'm finally decided. my course in college would be something related to child psychology. it's what i want, and my parents agree. i think it'll help in understanding the world better. no, i'm not kidding. i want to know every bit of emotion people feel. it's not like abnormal, but think about it. i'm from a middle-class family, going to an exclusive school and all that shit, and i don't know the world. what do the poor feel like? what do the rich feel like? what do aliens think about us?

i'm curios! XD it'll kill me one day~ hehehe

next thing to do : finish 'stolen quills and ink bottles'

it's a story that i'm trying to do. no, i'm not doing spoilers. hehehe. it's a story that i'll keep once it's finished. hehehehe. it's a secret :P

i am no officially the vice-chair of our littel brigade... the gift brigade! gift meaning Going Insane From Torture. kitty's chairman, shaniqua's secretary, valerie's treasurer (since she loves money) and chie's PRO. hehehe. and our first project? a redo of ramayana.

yes, we've decided to make our own version of ramayana. can we say we got carried away with our report? yes. we LOVED our report. it's a sophomore memory that i'll keep forever. XD like what shaniqua said : ramayana reporting (for her) was a life-changing experience.

hahaha. she's saying that cause we just pulled it off XD

what else? oh! tomorrow's going to be the day i confess. O_____O wishing myself lots of luck and courage for tomorrow then... *sigh* i'm not giving up. not yet, really. i'm determined to see the end of this!