Expecting the worst and forgetting the best

It’s pathetic how I idly waste my time in listening to two of the most suitable songs that match my mood. From morning to night, those two song just play and re-play themselves on my I-pod, on my cell phone and even inside my head. How pathetic can the rest of my life be?

As foreseen, I’m still in a wreck… and to think it’s almost school time. Really~ I actually wonder how I’ll manage to get through the first day without failing everyone’s expectations… especially mine, since I plan on hiding a few facts about myself. I just HATE responsibility. I’ll take anyone on when it comes to leadership (weird enough but I can get a group project done smoothly) but when it comes to putting a big burden, then I’ll have to pass. If the need arises, I’ll lie that I can’t even hold my pen or something that’ll make me look like a useless person. It’s the only thing that’ll prevent the situation that everyone’ll blame me.

I hate that feeling too. The feeling when you’ve done your best but people never recognize your efforts. In fact, they sneer at your hard work and declare that it’s not enough. It’s as if THEY can do a much better work at it. Hmph. I hate people like those. I can actually name a few people who I’ve come across: those who think they’re gods or some sort of lord. Through my 2 years of high school, I’ve kept close watch and backed down in any chance given to work with them. It’s intuition, really. They have their good points, don’t get me wrong, but being pulled down by their insensitivity and sheer narrow-mindedness can get on anyone’s nerves.

I haven’t been inside a classroom where people are all chums. Bea, pam and chie have, and it’s good for them. For me, not yet. The time hasn’t come for me to realize that they’re good. All I know is that the classroom’s a cycle of backstabbing and hidden hatred. Friends are friends, sure, but you can call anyone your friend. No one uses the word ‘acquaintance’, to be safe.

I don’t really know why I feel pessimistic. Maybe because when I looked over the names of my to-be classmates, I felt somewhat… different. Not even one close friend to boot. Not even one of them with an amazing attraction to anime, literature or whatnot. When I looked at the list for the first time, I felt like a real black sheep; the out of place person. Angel’s there but she’s changed. I really don’t know how to react to it. Hayoon’s there too but she’s got her circle. Cla is just too smart and Mia goes with her. Those are the only people I know and I already feel like I wanna give up.

Maybe I’ll spend my whole year with the other room people, but that’s wishful thinking. What happens inside the classroom then? What will happen when it’s time for groups? For committees? I feel so desolated about it all, I can hardly say I’m excited for classes to begin. All I’m looking forward is the END of the school year, which in reality is a year away.

Why is my life so… so… complicated? Why can’t I just understand? I want to do good, get grades that my parents are going to be so proud of, but I can’t live like that, right? I can’t just turn blind to the life I know and embrace with all my might! Thinking about it, I kinda wish there was some sort of chance I can change rooms. I actually want to go to room 8 or 10 or wherever shaniqua and kitty is. All I want is to feel I belong cause right now, I actually know that I don’t.

As far as school work goes, I’ll manage. I just don’t want to feel shitty and left out. I don’t want to feel rejected by the way I am. I know a lot of people reject me (there’s no use in denying it) and even hate and resent me. I can live with the façade they’re going to play against me but I just can’t take it if all of whom I’m surrounded with are all like that. And I’m not resorting to clinging to my adviser either, whoever she is. I may be nice, but I’m not a teacher’s pet. I have a life too and it doesn’t include being liked by teachers. I bet they see me as a nuisance. An awful one at that.

Worse, I won’t have Brian. I won’t have him to talk to me, to ease a few complications… I can’t say it exactly but I’ll miss him terribly. I already do now, and it hurts that I can’t show it. I have to look normal. Of course it’s my problem and it’s all up to me to fix it. It’s not my dad’s fault, neither is it my mom’s. They want me to finish and live properly. I’ll do what they want, fine, but I’ll have to do what I find right too. It’s sad I can’t say even a proper goodbye… I try saying it to tammy, but the words just won’t come out. I end up staring at him and thinking ‘he’s sticking his tongue at me because I’m pathetic’.

Pathetic. My life’s one big miserable joke.

I’ll hate myself even more if I don’t get anywhere.

…

as a side note, here’s a part of a song I’ve totally forgotten except the chorus…

‘cause I still believe in destiny
that you and I were meant to be
I still wish on a star as it falls from above
Cause I still believe
Believe in love’

I quite doubt that these are the right lyrics, since my mind’s a bit rusty, but I can sing it :D now to find where I got them…

-shing

(to think it’s such a nice day today and I’ve been rambling on badly… how could I?)