regardless

So today, I found myself staring at my report card again. Grades are fine, though some of them went down, and my average went up by point 83 :D I’m quite glad about it, and I guess I should be. I was nervous the whole week, and now it’s over. The cards are given already, death day is over and I’ve survived it once again.

So now, I’m stuck with thinking and actually doing something productive. I’m alone inside the house now, and I don’t feel like playing the piano just now. I don’t even want to pick up the book I’ve been reading last night. I don’t want to start studying again as well. I guess I’m turning into this one lazy slob!

But I keep on wondering what’s changed.

I can feel it. Change, I mean. I feel like I’ve been liberated from what I thought to be my chains. I couldn’t care less about those who hurt me, those who I’m annoyed with, those who thought I was just trash on earth. For the first time, I woke up today feeling free. I felt like nothing could stop me now. I felt like I FOUND a way, the right direction, in the dark. This isn’t about the cards. It’s about my life now.

For once, I thought that I could finally do something. That I HAD something in me. That I WAS special after all. Not just because people said I WAS special, but because I believed I REALLY was. Upon waking up today, staring at the dull blue sky laced with equally dull gray clouds, I felt happy. Of course, I feel happy. I always feel happy. Maybe I should say that I felt peaceful. Yup, that’s the word. I felt peace. I felt like nothing could go wrong anymore just because I could do something about what was wrong.

I believe in myself now. no, wait. I THINK I found myself.

I finally found myself.

-shing