lost in confusion

'love is a very confusing thing...'

this is what a friend told me when i asked her to describe it for my interview. i guess she's right with that, considering that i'm totally confused right now, not to mention worried sick and stressed. is this how it feels then?
the way i wake up at night, the way some stray tears find it's way to my cheeks, the way my chest hurts while i hug my pillow closer... it's an unbearable pain i have to live with every night, when the clock ticks and ticks to count the seconds that have passed in misery.
i want it to end. i want the world to come falling on me already, just to make me realize that the magic's gone. that my dream's finally over and that i have to painstakingly make my way into the life of the living again; the life of sorrow.
somehow, words didn't fit to explain where i am now. i've tried explaining, but i just can't. i think my friend, bea, whom i've jut talked to thinks i'm a total idiot who runs around and around in circles and never finished a sentence. i DID try to tell her, but i don't think she just got it.
lilin_711: are you sure? or you think you're not worth it for him
shing: i still like... maybe possibly love him. but then...
shing: it's like i feel too guilty
shing: too tainted
shing: too low for him
lilin_711: it also maybe infatuation
shing: no, it's not
shing: i know it isn't
lilin_711: you really do like him don't ya?
shing: yeah i do
shing: ate nix made me promise not to close my heart on him
shing: should i keep my promise?
lilin_711: yeah..
lilin_711: what do you think is right?
shing: what i think is right
shing: is to let him heal by himself. i don't want to help him
shing: if ate nix's words are true
shing: that he still loves me, even just a tiny part
shing: then he'll come back for me
shing: right?
shing: so maybe i'll wait
shing: wait until he realizes it
lilin_711: yup
lilin_711: haha..
lilin_711: hope
lilin_711: but do know hoping means you're not sure
shing: yeah
that's probably the only solution i can think of right now. lost in confusion, lost in my own thoughts.

-lisha