fighting off the loneliness

i've always known i wouldn't fit in right away with my new class. and if ever i DO fit in, it's not to the point that i can stick to them forever and ever.

right now, thinking about it all, i guess i CAN live, but it's definitely lonesome and dreadful for me. although i can see that they're all fun loving people, i still believe they're kind of... hmm... stiff. like somehow, everything's structured. like on batteries or something like that. no, i'm not saying they're robots too. i hear them laugh, kid around and scream too, but i still miss the feel of having a regular class.

add to that the fact that in recitation, no matter what subject, once a question is asked, there's always an answer that'll get straight across in just a few sentences. they're all awesome that way. and mind you, in perfectly straight english.

what makes me sad though is that when the teacher says 'go group yourselves by friends', i'm left to just wait. i've got nobody to cling to, no group to claim as mine, and definitely it all gives you the feeling of being the 'new kid'.

this particular aspect bothers me. in fact, it's been bothering me since it happened last wednesday. ironically, it was the same day when kyla asked me if i was fine with my room (yes kyla, i'm admitting i lied. i still can't handle and figure the ropes).

maybe i've gotten used to dragging people with me. i feel hopelessly lost now. maybe i've been too sure of myself. the vice i'm turning to right now is actually dashing out of the classroom during break times. i feel that if i stay there, i'd look stupid alone.

again, i want to say that i'm tired of being alone. being along is painful for me, if you all just know. it's like saying i can't live with the people i know and cherish with all my heart. sometimes when i think about it, i still have this small urge to cry cause when you get right down to it, i still feel unhappy.

to admit, i wanted my fourth and last year of highschool to be fun. it is fun, sure, but it's not the fun that i thought it would be. i was thinking more of 'cherishing everyday as if it were the last'. how in the world could i do that if i don't feel happy 100% of the time? i still don't know where i can draw strength from, and by the looks of it, all i'm doing is plainly living for the sake of graduating. i want to live out the rest of my days in school in blessed happiness. is that too much to ask?

last monday, i finally knew who put me there. of all the people, it had to be ms. herrera. i couldn't even admit to her that i was feeling sad about the whole thing because she started saying 'sabi na nga ba kaya mo dun eh!'. she said that in such a happy way that i couldn't help but hold my thoughts and nod. she believed that i could do well, and i couldn't let her down. i didn't have the heart to.

so what am i left to do? it's all complicated, but i try not to think about being lonely in class. i'm glad angel's getting along just fine with the others. although i can't say i can do the same, i'm trying my best to BE better. God has some plan, and he's testing me O_O if he thinks i'll lose to this, then i hope he changes his mind.

i'm not losing. i'm going to fight off this loneliness, even if i have to do it all on my own.

-shing