daydreaming

yes, for the whole time i've been online, all that i was occupied in researching about was south korea. i mean.. hello... this brochure is taking up my internet time!!! not to mention i had to practically beg my mom to at least buy me an internet card again so that i could research AGAIN. ahh... sux to be a student. well, at least i know when, after all of this crap that i ain't gonna use in the real world, living as an adult is much harder than writing effing write ups so yeah... i guess i'd better enjoy life while i'm still here and in school...

actually, all i wanna do is live up my dreams in college. i'm not going to do anything right now. maybe just follow rules and do my homework like the good little girl i am but that's that. a teacher once said that it's amazing how things end up, when you graduate. it's like, those who were lazy bums in highschool suddenly became like a superstar in a different field in college. it would be kewl if that ever happened to me.

i do have the chance, you know.

so, the motto for a few days would be : BE ORIGINAL. yes, me and chie are painstakingly making our brochures with our own words and drawings; hers in computer form, mine in the traditional way. i mean, it's not my fault for not having a printer, right? i depend on other people to print stuff for me anyway. ahahahaha. nah, am not using them. i usually take favors AFTER they print my report or whatever. lol

and yeah, this is the ever first sunday that i actually felt... complete. i mean, my mom didn't bring my brother along this time, after having a major fight which included tears and traumas. (mom felt guilty afterwards). got to eat shawarma from the usual place, walked back home, drank C2 to wash it all down, HW all done except math, advanced read on something, and now typing this. i just feel totally complete knowing that most of the things i have to do and always wanted to do are done and in the past...

good luck to my mistakes though.

ahahaha. i just hope tomorrow, my groupmates would bring out their poems... i just wish they wouldn't have forgotten them. i mean, i made post -it thingies and wrote legibly on it! i wouldn't do that just for anyone, ya know.

...

just suddenly looked around and i must admit... my workplace has suddenly turned into crap in just three days. maaaaaaaannn... and here i was, saying i was OC about my stuff... hahahahaha.. gotta use that duffel bag my grandmother bought for me... it's huge, and i can fit both bio and algeb books in it! how cool is that? except that it hurts on the shoulders when you walk with it, but who cares? as long as the books stay inside and i can't see them, i won't have the urge to throw them unexpectedly! lol.

speaking of books, i haven't had one for AGES. i want to have a new book, but i know my mom can't buy me one now cause we're low on money. sometimes i regret having piano classes cause it's because of that that i can't buy the things i want the most now... like new clothes or new books...

even the pens... gaaaaaahhhh... staedler (?) pens... want them...

but they're fucking expensive, so i'll get them out of my list first. i need books, not pens. books, not pens. books not pens. (mantra)

was in church again today, and i kinda remember ian again. i mean, someday, i have to at least get real and forget about him. i didn't even HAVE the chance to say that i liked him... c'mon lisha... stupid for wanting to see a guy who's good as dead.

and yeah, really stooooooopid for wanting a guy, who's doubting you, who had a girlfriend who's way better than you. yes, i just saw something that made me remember. and yes, i started to compare. the hell... i mean, maybe ichie's right... maybe 'panakip butas' lang ang tingin niya sakin. cause, cmon... get real. after having such a great, pretty, talented, sweet, charming, kind girlfriend, you're switching back to me? and just like that?

'...'

sometimes, i just really don't know what to think. sometimes i think everything's fine, that all's right, and sometimes i hate you. hate you so much to hell. sometimes i love you. there's a lot of 'somtimes' this and that shit. and they all lead into different directions.

but how come i can't admit it? why can't i say 'oh hey, i'm really confused right now so yeah, stay away away from me first so i could think. come back another day'...

okay, that's just crap. shitty crap. gaaaaaaaaahhh... hormones... maybe these are PMS-thoughts... hmm... maybe...

oh oh oh oh oh. come to think of it, these were the EXACT SAME thoughts i had some time a year ago... lol. hahaha... maybe i just have to rely on my answers before: that i shouldn't start douobting, that i should just be myself, that i shouldn't hide, that i shouldn't get mad. yeah... thinking... more thoughts...

lol, my thoughts are like my messed up stuff!!!

-shing